What Tim Tebow Can't Do...
by Jason Gay, WSJ
These are just a few of the many things Tim Tebow can't do.
Every day we are reminded of more things Tim Tebow can't do. He cannot throw a proper pass. He cannot stand still in the pocket. He can't run a conventional offense. He runs, but he doesn't run gracefully. He runs upright and frantic. He runs like he's stealing a toaster from the mall.
He's a cavalcade of failures. Why the Denver Broncos give him a paycheck, nobody knows.
Because Tim Tebow never lets you relax. He never puts a football game away in the first quarter. He forces you to watch the whole thing, with commercials and no fast-forwards. It's never pretty.
He doesn't put up Tom Brady's numbers. He doesn't put up Tom Brokaw's numbers. He's not impressing Broncos legend John Elway. John Elway acts as if he'd let the Broncos bus abandon Tim Tebow at a rest stop.
"Oh, where's Tim?" John Elway would say forty miles down the road. "Hmmm, that's too bad."
You can see why Elway's unconvinced. Tim Tebow can't do it the normal way. Tim Tebow can't get through an interview without mentioning his faith. Or giving credit to his teammates. Tim Tebow never sounds full of Tim Tebow.
He doesn't even get mad when people say nasty things about him. When people say Tim Tebow needs to improve, Tim Tebow says he needs to improve. Who does that?
Nothing seems to rattle him. He smiles and doesn't sulk. When Tim Tebow is bummed, he doesn't pull down the blinds, blast the Fleetwood Mac and drink red wine out of a Mason jar, like everybody else does. He's a total weirdo.
Do you know what else Tim Tebow has never done?
Tim Tebow has not climbed all Seven Summits. He's never built an invisible jet or hosted the Country Music Awards. If he has solved the mystery of Loch Ness, or washed dishes at The French Laundry, it's never been written about. Tim Tebow's portrait does not hang in the Louvre. Sandra Bullock has never made a Tim Tebow movie. Tim Tebow has never made a Sandra Bullock movie.
Sure, Tim Tebow has been on the cover of Sports Illustrated, but has he been on the cover of Dwell or Bon Appetit? That's right: no. Loser!
Do you know that Tim Tebow has never hosted a late-night talk show in Denmark? That he's never been the CEO of The Gap? That he wasn't a serious candidate to be manager of the Red Sox? Tim Tebow has never won a professional motocross race. He's never even come in second in a professional motocross race. Tim Tebow did zero to solve the NBA lockout. Zilch.
Here is a small list of other things Tim Tebow has never won: Wimbledon, a MacArthur "Genius" grant, "Project Runway," "The Price is Right," the Nathan's Famous hot dog eating contest, the Booker Prize or a Grammy for best spoken-word album.
That's embarrassing. Why do people care about him?
Yes, Tim Tebow beat the Miami Dolphins, the Oakland Raiders, the Kansas City Chiefs, the New York Jets and the Chargers of San Diego. But Tim Tebow has not beaten the Detroit Lions. Or the Detroit Pistons. Or the Detroit Red Wings. Or Manny Pacquiao. Or Dara Torres. Or Real Madrid. Or Gary Kasparov.
Tim Tebow doesn't fight the law, but if he did, the law would surely win. Okay, maybe not.
Despite all of these issues, people still like Tim Tebow, which is mystifying. It's as if they can't recognize his flaws. They're blinded by hype. They're willfully ignorant. They want to believe in a myth.
One day they will see all of Tim Tebow's shortcomings. How he's never once sang O Canada at a Vancouver Canucks game. How he's never captured a live dinosaur. How he's too chicken to run for President.
Tim Tebow never, ever makes everybody happy. He can't really do anything besides win football games. Since when did anyone care about that?
PS - He also beat the Minnesota Vikings.
He can win!
Post a Comment